Who Am I ... part IV (The Voraciousness of Ego)

I cannot have any distractions for this trick. I cannot contemplate anything but uncovering my true self from the blizzard of beliefs I AM under. Yesterday I thought about writing for an anthology or a novella for a publisher and spent the rest of the day reminding myself that I'm not a good writer and I would only be embarrassing myself if I submitted something. This is not the space to argue whether I am or not, suffice to say this is what I believe. This is why the notion of jettisoning all my beliefs sounds pretty darn good.

When I say that I live as if there is another person standing right behind me judging me, that is exactly what the voice in my head (of my Ego?) is like. It is a pitbull of a watchdog that reminds me I am not enough. Okay, we've heard all that already, right? So what's new? (Say something witty before they all get up and leave!)

"Don't believe everything you think."

Good advice. What I  realized is that my Ego (for lack of a better word and to name the voice in my head without calling it Bob) is devious and cunning. While my Ego (Edging God Out, get it?) kept on about my writing abilities, I was completely off-focused from digging deeper toward the answer to Who Am I. Ah, very clever, right?

Some Spiritual Gurus will say that the Ego is something we created a a means of surviving a toxic childhood and it accepted all the beliefs we were taught and now we fight the Ego to come out from underneath and be our own person. Other Gurus will say that every thought you have is your own and to take responsibility for your thoughts. Let me tell you, it was much easier when I had an Ego to blame instead of accepting I was thinking those thoughts. On the other hand, all of my crucifying thoughts are as if someone is speaking to me. I never say "I'm a failure", It's always "You are a failure." Go figure.

So I ask you, how do you shut your thoughts off? What do you believe about yourself?

I was told I'm very introspective. Quite the curse, in a way. I don't think most people dwell on the same thinkings as I do.

Ah well. Enough for today. Back to I AM and clearing my head and not getting distracted. It's too easy for me to fall backward into the pit if I'm not vigilant.

Who Am I ... part I

Welcome to my self-discovery. First, a bit of history and then we'll see what happens next.


I have hated myself the greater part of my life. I have used the phrase self-loathing often. I am not enough. I have failed and disappointed everyone around me. I must be perfect or I’m worthless. Or so says my demon. Actually, it's a broken down, decrepit belief system as corrupt as former NY/NJ governor Edward Hyde (though no women's clothing is involved) that's been in use since before I was conscious of its existence.

In the years since, I have experienced therapies, lectures, seminars, The Omega Institute, books, cassettes, CDs, weekend retreats, The Open Center. I have experienced John Bradshaw, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, don Miguel Ruiz, Debbie Ford, Sheri Huber, Julia Cameron, Rick Jarow, Mia Farrow, Thich Nhat Hanh,Tara Brach, Pema Chodron and other spiritual gurus. And in the now of those experiences I am whole and clearly see my higher self, my calling and my perfect-ness as a spiritual being having a human experience. The demon is silenced.

But after the experience ends – the CD is over, the book is finished, the lecture is done – something happens (a moment of imperfection (being human)) and I fall back into the familiar embrace of the demon. The judgment and criticism come roaring back louder and more intense: “You’re a worthless piece of shit.” “You’re a failure.” “You’re a useless piece of garbage.” “Nobody cares about you.” “Why don’t you do everyone a favor and die.” “Can’t you do anything right?”

See, it's like this: Where most people write off mistakes, stumbles and gaffes as being human, that’s not acceptable to me. I must be perfect or people will see what a failure I am. This is shame: I don’t make mistakes, I am a fundamentally flawed mistake.

Some days/weeks are better than others and some are particularly brutal, with the demon screaming self-loathing epithets at me. All of this comes from thoughts borne out of a belief system that says life is difficult, that says I’m not enough to succeed, that says I should accept mediocrity, that says if enough people say I can't do a thing, then I can't do that thing, that bows down and worships the phrase "I Can't."

But for all the self-condemnation, I’ve kept going. I have a list of accomplishments that include two traditionally published novels, a cassette of originals, a lot of gigs, a cycled century and a couple of metric centuries and many other things. You’d think I would’ve gotten over myself and my hate. But no matter what, it’s not enough. People have published more novels, have ridden more centuries and are better musicians. Yes, I know that in this world there will always be people who’ve done more and many who’ve done less. I know that I shouldn’t stop writing or playing because there are people better than me. Yet because I believe I am not enough, I’m constantly thinking to give up. But I have not. I kept going and I’m still going, even with the self-condemnation I experience almost daily.

But wait ... in the darkness of my self there's a pinprick of light, the tiniest of flames and I focus on it and look to it as a means of letting go and "getting over it." But will I or will I allow the same demons to crawl out of the black and pull me under once again?

Welcome to the Grand Illusion...

I read an article in Buddhadarma magazine that puts forth the idea that emotions are illusions and not real. I don't know about you, but they sure feel real. Let's look at this a bit differently, like this:

Emotions are the byproducts of thoughts filtered through our beliefs about how life should be.

*I will grant that there are some experiences we go through, that are so intense that the idea that what we feel is illusory is near impossible to believe.

Here's a familiar example (if you're a writer): You send short stories and/or poems out. You get rejections. You start to amass a small envelope, then binder, then, stack, and then...you wonder if maybe you're not that good, and you feel down to the point where you ask yourself if you should just stop writing altogether. But wait a minute. That sustained feeling of frustration and sadness (maybe a bit of depression?) that's settling over you like a wet blanket (is that cliche?) doesn't just sprout up out of nowhere. It comes from a thought: maybe I'm not good enough. But even that thought comes from a belief we have about what being a writer means.

Take a moment, and, if you're so inclined, try this little experiment: Take a sheet of paper. Number down the left side 1 to 10 (or more if you're adventurous). At the top of the page write this sentence: A writer is... Now, without giving it too much thought, write down the first ten things that come to mind.

There are no right or wrong answers, but when you're done, you'll get some idea of what you think about being a writer. My list told me that I needed to rethink my idea of what a writer is if I had any desire to be a successful, full-time one.

Don Miguel Ruiz says we have a Book of Law that we live by. It is everything we've been taught about life, and was given to us by our parents and teachers. Some things they told us we decided wasn't true, but most of what we were taught, we believed as truth. Would we believe our parents lied to us when we were children? But if enough people told you you couldn't make a living as a writer before you even started, how could you believe otherwise?

We've internalized these beliefs until they're second nature and we react out of them because we don't know any other way. This has lead me to a lot of self-reflection and a growing awareness of how my thoughts have brought me to this place in my life. By being cognizant of my thoughts, I can stop any of the negative ones that instantaneously become negative emotions. It's a process. But I've seen how, by changing my thoughts, I can change the way I react to what life offers me. Not easy, boys and girls, but the other option, to be oblivious to the thoughts that shape my life in a negative way, is just not appealing any more.

So how about y'all? Ever find negative meotions attached to beliefs creeping into your writing life?


Happy Writin's!
Gary . . .